Love The One You're With
by rejectdemon
Summary: Carla reflects on her relationship with Alex, and why things fell apart.


**A/N: oneshot of the rise and fall of Carlex (is that even the right word? meh, I don't think anyone really cares enough about Carla to make up a morphed named thingy. She isn't even in the character list for submitting O.o), through Carla's POV. Pretty much all about how she and Alex can never really be happy together, because Palex love conquers all. R&R, let me know what you think, please :)**

**I don't own Degrassi or it's characters (I just kidnapped the good ones, e.i. Alex, Paige, Marco, Ellie, Craig, etc, which is why they aren't on the show anymore. They hang out in my basement. Shh, don't tell anyone.)  
**

I'm not exactly sure when everything started to fall apart. Sure, Alex and I had our differences, but we still always seemed to click.

I remember the first time I saw her. I was standing by the counter in some coffee shop I don't recall the name of. The chai latte I'd gotten had been less than spectacular and I vowed not to come there again. Someone brusquely shoved past me, causing me to spill said crappy latte all over my new 100% recycled fibers sweater. The now empty cup fell from my hands.

"Shit, I'm so sorry!" The woman reached down to pick up the hardy ceramic mug, which I was surprised to see hadn't broken. I grabbed a wad of napkins and began patting the giant wet spot now going down my front. I concentrated on my breathing, a technique my yoga instructor had taught me to help control my anger.

''It's fine," I said through gritted teeth. "Don't worry about it." She handed me back the cup and I got a good look at her. Praise Buddha.

Dark hair, dark eyes, tanned skin and legs that looked like they went on forever in the pair of denim cut-offs she was wearing, with a low cut tank top and red sports jacket. This woman just oozed sex appeal, even with the look of genuine worry etched on her face.

"Are you sure? It looks like I ruined your sweater." Oh jeez, and her voice. It was silky and smooth, a sound I didn't think I would tire of hearing.

"I told you, it's fine." I smiled. She smiled back, looking relieved. I felt myself blush.

"Well, then let me buy you another drink, since your wearing that one now."

I shook my head. "No thank you, it's no big deal. None of the beverages here are very good anyhow." I didn't even bother to check for any nearby employee who might have gotten offended, I was that disappointed with this place.

She chuckled. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I've been coming here for years and I still can't stomach the Columbian roast." The woman brushed a few stray strands of raven-coloured hair behind her ear. "Can I buy you something from somewhere else then?" She cocked an eyebrow. My gaydar started beeping. Gazing into her eyes, I knew this was more than just a polite invitation to repay a stranger's debt. The way her mouth twisted into this cute crooked little smile, and my natural lesbian intuition told me exactly what this could turn out to be, if I played my cards right.

"Sure." I said, wiping my hands one last time with the napkins and tossing them in a nearby garbage can. "I'm Carla." I offered her a hand. She grasped it, her touch warm and drawing me in.

"I'm Alex."

What started out as coffee quickly turned into lunch, which we met up for again the next day, and dinner the night after that. We talked about this and that, mostly meaningless banter that made everything feel easy and comfortable between us. And the laughing. There always seemed to be an endless laughter between us, mostly from me I guess. She made me feel like a school girl, and if she ever looked at me too intensely I had to blush and look away, giggling.

Turns out she was in high school, graduated, but going back to improve her marks. It showed she had initiative, something I valued, and that she wasn't a moron. We didn't talk about our pasts much. Both of us made it known to each other that we were lesbians, as if we weren't already aware. I mentioned old girlfriends every so often, in that way that you usually talk about your ex whenever around a new interest. But she never talked about hers.

Wait. Actually, that's a lie. I remember asking her one day, the evening of our first official date, if she'd ever actually been with another woman before, or if she was just coming out. We were sitting in the lobby of the movie theater Alex had invited me to, sipping sodas. She smirked.

"I came out during my senior year of high school. Well, sorta." She got this far away look, one that I wasn't sure how I felt about. "My first girlfriend and I... we never really meant to become a couple. We were both straight, her especially, and we just started becoming closer and closer as friends. Then...it just got complicated. We were together for a few months but then I broke it off because she was going off to university all the way in Kingston." She fiddled with her straw. "We actually used to work here together."

Okay, that _definitely_ gave me a weird feeling in my gut. Was it normal for a girl to bring her date to the place where she had spent so much time with her ex? I wasn't sure, but I brushed the thoughts away, too entranced by how utterly beautiful Alex was. Maybe that was mistake number one...

The first few weeks were great. Alex was phenomenal in the kissing department, and not so bad in other areas as well. She was so inexperienced in most places, it made me feel special to teach her the things she had never done before with her ex. I liked the way she moaned my name during orgasm, figuring her last girlfriend, even more clueless in the matters of woman to woman relations than Alex, had never evoked reactions like the ones I created for her now.

Looking back, I'm pretty sure I can draw the beginning of the end to one day, one single phone call. No, one voice mail.

I'd had marathon practice late, which Alex had stayed to watch the whole time, sitting adorably on the bleachers in a thick coat as I stretched and ran laps. Afterwords, we headed out for a quick dinner at my favorite vegan restaurant. Alex hated the place, but put up with it for me without too much complaining. When we got back to my car, Alex realized she'd left her phone on the dash. Looking through it, she noted out loud that she had a missed call. She held the device up to her ear, dialing her voice mail.

"Who was it?" I asked, and she held up a finger to silence me. _Well that's annoying_, I thought. She disconnected and shrugged, rolling her eyes.

"Just Paige, one of her rambling pointless messages." She wasn't looking directly at me when she said this. "And reminding me about Thanksgiving dinner at Dylan and Marco's. You're still okay with me going, right?"

She had mentioned this a few weeks ago. I'd yet to meet the infamous Marco and his boyfriend Dylan, and although I'd heard _of_ the mega talented hockey player around campus, we'd never actually met in person. But it was only a few days ago when Alex had oh-so-casually mentioned that he was also Paige's brother, meaning she too would be at the event. It didn't bug me...at first. The more I thought about it though, the more itchy it made me feel, especially watching how excited my girlfriend was getting over it. I understood that she was still friends with her ex, and I wasn't going to ostracize her for it, but what was it really that she's looking forward to so much?

I tried not to let it get to me though. Nope, not one bit. Not when she went over to the University house early in the morning, earlier than I had ever been able to get her up, with some funny homemade poster for Paige. Not when she forgot to call me that evening. And certainly not when she turned out to have stayed the night there. None of that bothered me at all. Everything was just fan-fucking-tastic.

Thanksgiving day, she called me, something odd in her voice. Alex sounded frazzled, and pissed off, and something else I couldn't place. She begged me to go to the dinner with her, to meet her friends and spend our first big official holiday as a couple together. The eagerness in her voice made this want seem genuine and true, and made the doubts I'd had earlier melt away...for the time being. She really wanted to be with me, no matter what ex was in or out of the picture. I happily agreed; my family was away and I hadn't had any plans for the weekend besides studying.

"This is Carla, my imaginary girlfriend."

I was pretty confused by Alex's introduction. Had she been talking about me to them already? It made me wonder what had been said. I wanted to think it was all good things, but when I got a look at Paige, I wouldn't have been surprised if my girlfriend had said something else around her. I felt awkward and out of place, like Alex had only brought me along to rub me in her ex's face. The large Italian man seemed unnerved by Alex and I being lesbians, although everyone ignored him. But after sitting down and chatting, I began to relax a little bit. Alex boasted proudly about my grades, about my athletic accomplishments, which made me smile. These were kind people, even Marco's parents, and the Michalchuks, who I had a feeling didn't know about the real history between Alex and their daughter.

And Paige. She was nice, charming, smart, witty and, I had to admit, cute- if you liked blondes, that is. But she was my opposite on many different levels, which made me wonder dangerous things, things that I shouldn't be if I really wanted to trust Alex and trust our relationship. Maybe...maybe Alex only liked me because I was so different from Paige. Maybe she was desperate for a way to get over her fast, and someone like me seemed a good choice because there was no way I could remind Alex of her.

I could tell Alex felt remorseful about her behavior at the dinner- how she had laughed hysterically at Paige when the turkey exploded and never bothered to check on her after seeing how obviously upset she was. She vocalized this many times to me the days after Thanksgiving. I told her not to worry about it, to just focus on that quiz she had coming up and that if Paige was still her real friend, everything would be okay. This seemed to comfort her.

I was so happy for Alex when she got yet another A+ in biology. She was getting the marks she deserved so she could make something of her future. One day I'd mentioned her joining me at University of Toronto next year. She'd shrugged.

"I was kind of thinking bigger than Toronto U. Like Banting...or something."

The Dot was one of those places that I rarely ventured into, with service and menu variety that reminded me of the coffee shop where Alex and I first met. But it was her favorite, and I told her we could go anywhere she wanted for a celebratory dinner, my treat. I'd thought at least the garden salad I ordered would be somewhat edible, but to my dismay it was more like a pile of wilted weeds. Couldn't say I was surprised much though.

I _was_ surprised, however, when Paige popped up seemingly out of nowhere, perky and smiling. Wasn't she supposed to be in Kingston? We started chatting, and I could tell why Alex did enjoy her company. She actually had half a brain, so keeping up a conversation wasn't difficult in the least. She asked a lot about me, asking what my major was, how running was going, what I wanted to do after graduation. One thing we tried to stay away from was our separate relationship experiences of being with Alex, who sat almost uncomfortably, rarely joining in the conversation.

Then Paige begged Alex to let her stay at her apartment for the night, pouting in a way that would make it impossible even for a straight girl to refuse. She agreed, giving me a tiny goodnight kiss before parting ways, the blond in tow. The itchy feeling I'd had before returned, and half the night was spent tossing and turning, imagining the sort of situations Paige and Alex could find themselves in together, which made sleep even more impossible.

The next day, Alex didn't hint that anything was amiss. I called in the morning before school and she said Paige was already gone. That gave me an inner sense of satisfaction, just the fact that Miss Banting was no where near my girlfriend. It wasn't right, but I couldn't help it. Paige was a really nice girl, and I didn't think that she would intentionally try to steal Alex away. I'd only known her a few days, yet there was something about her that seemed unequivocally trustworthy. But what is trust, and what are intentions, really? I asked if she wanted to go out to breakfast, but she told me, with an almost reluctant tinge to her voice, that Paige had made her pancakes before she'd zipped away. My stomach knotted with envy of the blond, and I internally chastised myself. I wasn't the 'jealous girlfriend' type, and it irked me knowing I was turning into someone like that. I needed to relax. If I couldn't put up with an over-attentive partner, I couldn't expect Alex to. And from what I knew of her patience with others, I knew she wouldn't put up with it, not for long anyway. So when she invited me to karaoke that night with some of her friends, I told her I couldn't make it. I figured if my dubious anxiety _was_ showing through, then giving her a teensy bit of space would at least emphasis that I wasn't being clingy.

Maybe that's what fucked everything up, not Paige. Once I started the whole "Operation Don't Be A Green-Eyed Bitch" thing, I sort of kept with it longer than I intended to. It was like I was subconsciously pushing her away, like I knew what was going to happen to us and if I distanced myself from her it would hurt less. And of course, since I was never there, she usually ended up hanging out with her friends, with Paige. I should've seen it coming, I guess. I don't know. But each time we actually did spend time together, something always seemed to be there with us, blocking us from each other. "Not tonight" were two words that became more frequent for her to tell me whenever I tried being intimate with her. If I ever dared ask her what was on her mind, when she got that increasingly familiar far away look, she'd always shake her head and shrug, apologizing for zoning out.

One night, when she was leaving for Paige's housewarming party, I'd made a comment out of frustration that she was off to see her other girlfriend. I hadn't really meant it, and was just messing around, but she stopped to look at me, all serious. I guess the expression on my face betrayed the fact that, well, yeah I kind of did mean it. I just...hated how much time Alex spent with her. Can you blame me?

"Very funny, Carla. _I_ broke up with _her_, remember? Don't be such a worrywort." She kissed my cheek. "Now go have fun at your stupid pottery class."

I tried to keep her words in mind, but it became increasingly difficult. So, I ignored the issue instead. I tried to distract myself, with classes, practice, anything, so I wouldn't have to really give my waning relationship much thought. She too became increasingly busy, with school and exams, lacrosse, and time spent at that t-shirt store run by her friend in the wheelchair... and managed by Paige. Seeing each other had started to become less exciting and more like some mundane routine, and although we still enjoyed each others company, Alex and I had none of that closeness I'd first felt in the beginning. And with the stupid Entrepreneur's fair that she'd agreed to model for, she was even more preoccupied. And I had a feeling it had little to do with the clothes.

Something...happened, at the fair, I know it. Or after, maybe.

She had been in a bad mood the morning before, for reasons I didn't probe into. I attended the show, just to see her and be supportive, even though Alex had insisted it was all stupid and she was embarrassed about the dumb pink outfit she would be strutting down the cat walk in. Afterwords, she went to The Dot with her friends and everyone from Squatch Designs. She'd asked...no, wait, it had been _Paige_ who invited me to join them, not her. My own girlfriend had no interest in me being there, but when I'd stopped by their booth to say hi, the cordial blond had insisted I come with. I wish I had taken her up on her offer, because maybe then I could have prevented whatever befelled Alex that day. But there was a tribal drum class I'd been waiting months to get into that I was already almost late for, and going to celebrate with them would be out of the question.

I tried calling her that night, but she didn't answer. And the next day, still no word from my girlfriend. On the third day, nothing. My stomach began knotting anxiously. On the fourth day, I went to her apartment, but her mom, Emily, told me she was studying with some friends. I was now beyond worried, about who she was with more than anything else. That evening, I went to The Dot, looking for her. As I walked in, I noticed Paige was there, drinking coffee with Marco. They both smiled when they saw me, Marco waving me over. I walked to their table, almost reluctantly, but then realized that if something was going on with Alex, they would probably know.

"No, I havn't seen her since Saturday," Marco told me when I asked if they'd heard from her. "What about you, Paige?"

She shook her head, looking absentmindedly at her coffee mug. "Last time I talked to her was here, after the fair. She, um, didn't stick around long though." Paige shrugged. "But that's Alex for you. Sometimes she just jets, for no apparent reason."

That was true. From what I've heard, Alex had a history of spontaneously going off, just ignoring the world until she saw fit. But that didn't comfort me in the least. She only did that if she had something big on her mind, something she needed to cool off from that she didn't want me to be a part of. But now it had been a week since I'd heard from her, so I decided to wait outside Degrassi for her. She wasn't among the students filing out of the high school doors at dismissal, and I wondered if she had seen me outside and snuck out a different door. But about half an hour later, head bent over a book, my girlfriend finally exited the building.

"Alex!" I almost shouted as she nearly walked right by me. Her head jerked up.

"Oh, Carla, hey. What are you doing here?" She closed the book, correcting her course and slowly coming towards me, dragging her feet.

"I havn't heard from you in days. You're not answering my calls, nothing, so I came here to look for you." I jammed my hands in my coat pockets. "What's going on with you?" She meets my eyes once, then looks away.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I've just been busy. You know, with that little thing called school?" Oh how I loved that snarky Nunez attitude that she carried with so much pride. Today, however, I was _so_ in no mood.

"Well sorry if I get worried when my girlfriend practically disappears off the face of the planet. Sue me for being concerned!"

''It's only been what, 3, 4 days? It's no big deal." She scoffed, then sighed. "I've had some stuff on my mind, I'm sorry." Her tone of voice lacked any hint that she actually meant the words. 3, 4 days? Try doubling that, sweetie, then think about why that would make me a little bit upset.

"Yeah, so I've noticed. It seems whenever I talk to you, you're never really there." I was starting to get cold, especially from being out in the chilly winter weather for so long. She was too, I could tell by the way she fidgeted and shifted her weight from foot to foot. But neither of us were going anywhere now.

"You're one to talk. If you want to get into each others' whereabouts, why don't you tell me where _you_ go most of the time? Is it with that girl from your calc class, Jenny?" I opened my mouth to reply, getting angrier every minute.

"That's ridic-"

"You're never around, Carla!" She cut off my words. "What the hell do you expect me to think?"

"I would at least hope that you would trust me just a little bit, and not jump to crazy conclusions." I waved my hand as I spoke. "While you may be in a little thing called school, I'm in a little thing called university, which takes up a big chunk of my time."

"Well you know what? You can just go and have marvelous college adventures with your marvelous college friends because I'm done being your little experiment with the lower class." She turned and started walking away from me. I jumped after her down the sidewalk, grabbing her arm.

"So that's the excuse you're going to use, huh? My god, Alex, grow up and at least admit the real reason you want to break up with me. That you're still in love with your ex." There it was, the cat out of the bag.

She stiffened, and I knew I was right. It was so easy to recognize that her feelings for Paige were beyond that of friendship, but all this time I had tried to ignore it, to block out the fact that my girlfriend never would, never _could_ be in love with me the way that she is with her. I'd thought that if I never faced the problem, that maybe it would just go away. She had been with _me_, after all, and I expected that any of her lingering feelings for Paige would dissipate after awhile. But that was a fool's goal.

''Carla, I have to go. Please, just accept that we're through and leave me alone." Alex tugged her arm free and continued down the block without another glance. Apparently, walking right out of my life wasn't very hard for her.

I felt...I don't know. Not heartbroken, not really. More like deceived. Had Alex ever really cared about me? And if so, when did it end? Was it when Paige came back to Toronto, or perhaps before then. Maybe it had all been a lie, and she never gave a damn to begin with. Like I'd thought before, maybe she had just been looking for someone to waste time with, to warm her bed at night, until she could have another chance with Paige. I tried not to see the worst in her, but all I could think about now was how used I felt. Alex thought I'd been using her, when really it seemed like it was the other way around. And it hurt, way more than I thought it would. I wasn't sure if I'd ever really expected our relationship to last, but I never imagined that she would be the one to end it, or that I would feel tarnished and bruised. I guess you really never know what to expect from Alex Nunez. She was continuously full of surprises.

I wasn't angry at Paige, though, even though it was her reappearance that seemingly made everything begin to unravel. The woman never had a secret agenda against me, hadn't been anything but considerate and kind, keeping within the boundaries of friends, from what I knew of. But I wondered how long it would take before they would be back together.

Paige didn't take Alex from me, not really. After all, how could she steal something that had been hers the whole time, and had never truly belonged to me in the first place?


End file.
